sex, love, and relationships for those of us who don't quite follow the rules

Archive for January, 2011

Naughty or not

So recently, as my last post hints at, I had sex with another man in my boyfriend’s presence. Don’t go feeling bad for my boyfriend — we were swapping, so he had a lovely lady to keep him occupied as well. We met this couple — I dub them Nate and Anna — at a poly meetup recently, and we all liked each other right away. We’ve all spent one very pleasant evening together already, and we’re hoping for many more.

But this is what I wanted to talk about: hanging out with these people, swapping partners, lying around naked on the bed chatting afterward… these things are supposed to be naughty, right? Thinking about it in retrospect, I should maybe be feeling a thrill of transgression? If I told my co-workers, I’d get some shocked responses and some “oooh, Ginny’s a bad girl!” teasing. But it didn’t feel like that at all to me. It felt like, “We liked these people, there was attraction in at least four directions, so we hung out with them for a while and fucked each other.” Like ya do. Like, when we hang out with a couple that likes to play Spades, we play Spades… when we hang out with a couple that likes to have sex, we have sex. What could be more natural?

I dunno, I don’t get the whole “taboo” thing. Another partner of mine, Brendan, has talked with me a few times about how weirded out he is when kinky people play up the “ooh, we’re so naughty” aspect. He feels, and I feel, that you like what you like and you do what you do, and as long as it’s all safe, sane, and consensual, there’s no “naughty” about it.

I realize that some people get off on the thrill of transgression, and hey, that’s cool too. I’d rather someone be turned on by the idea of harmless “naughtiness” than be repressed or condemnatory about it. But I don’t seem to have had my naughtiness sensor installed. Rolling around naked in bed with three other people, with all the laughing and teasing and squeals of pleasure… to me that’s just good, clean fun.

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One year later

A year and two days ago, I had sex for the first time. At 28, I was very late to the party. I already knew, from my experiences learning to masturbate (which I started doing at 25), that it would take a while not only to figure out what I liked, but to like what I liked. My thinky-brain works very fast and is always on the spot; my feely-brain works very slow, and doesn’t update me on recent events until they’re long past. What I mean is, I usually don’t know I’m angry about something until a few hours after it’s happened (that number has gone way down… it used to take days). And my body doesn’t know whether it likes a new sensation until it’s had it a few times.

So, while my darling Shaun was very considerate, that first time, about asking what I wanted, what I’d like him to do, and how I liked what he was doing, I wasn’t really able to give an answer. Now, a year later, I feel like my sexual response patterns have stabilized a bit, and I’m better able to answer those questions from a new partner.

One odd thing to me is the way I orgasm. I don’t know how many other women operate this way, and I don’t know if it’s partly a result of inexperience/late blooming, or if this is just the way my body works. I don’t really have hard, explosive orgasms in partnered sex. I do when masturbating: the typically-described crescendo, climactic spasm, and then happy exhaustion. But I’ve never had that experience in partnered sex. Instead I seem to hit a run of mini-orgasms that can go on pretty much indefinitely — ebbing and flowing a bit, but neither rising to a sharp climax nor collapsing into the post-orgasmic refractory period.

I’d love to know how many other women come like this, either sometimes or always. It used to worry me a bit, like maybe I wasn’t really coming, but I never have the sense that there’s a further peak to be reached. I think this is just how my body works, at least for now. While I’d like to experience that sharp orgasmic peak with a partner, it is nice to be able to just keep going and going and going… (last night my boyfriend told the other guy who was fucking me “yeah, she’s like the Energizer Bunny.”) And — what really helped me come to terms with the way I come — one time after some slightly kinky play with a friend, I reached this hyperaroused state where my whole body was one big erogenous zone, and even a touch on my back or neck triggered those mini-orgasmic spasms. That was awesome.

So, a year later, I feel like I’ve established some sense of sexual identity, of “what I’m like” in bed. I’m sure it will continue to evolve, but I have a foundation of sorts.